Ever done something kind and had it thrown back in your face? It’s amazing how quickly that can lead to a complete meltdown into rage. A few examples I’ve experienced -
On seeing a car with no visible handicap tags or hangtag pull into a handicap space and the occupants dash to the store I was entering, my friends and I spoke up and politely pointed out their error. The husband flew into a rage and yelled at us, spittle flying everywhere, that his wife (the driver) was a years long sufferer of an illness the name of which I can’t recall. Her reaction was to suddenly adopt a limp and a pained expression that were both conspicuously absent a few moments prior. It seemed they missed the point that somebody was looking out for their rights.
The traffic really piles up leaving my office especially as everybody tries to merge into the too-short turn lanes heading towards the beltway. I routinely leave room to allow a car in when the light changes and I’ve routinely experienced 2-3 additional drivers trying to butt in on the opportunity (this after they dodged the entire length of the line waiting to turn by barreling up on the right and then trying to squeeze in on the rest of us who politely waited.) The result, for me, has often meant missing my chance at getting through the light. The temptation I resist every day is the urge to stop being courteous.
After listening to complaints by the team, I’ve offered suggestions at work that I thought would be helpful. My repayment has often been sole responsibility for implementing the suggested changes even though I’m easily one of the busiest people on the team and tend to have the least complaints. The reward for hard work is often more work and everybody wants to complain but nobody wants to make the effort to fix things.
I’m sure anybody reading this can cite similar experiences in which they’ve tried to be kind, helpful or thoughtful and suffered the consequences. It lends credibility to the saying, “no good deed goes unpunished.” I won’t claim that I’ve handled every situation like that with the greatest of poise, but I’ve discovered something interesting. Laughing, rather than shouting, seems to help. I’m a strong believer in karma… not on a paranormal level but on the simply human tendency to attract like unto like. Angry people tend to attract anger-inspiring situations in their lives. Defeatists attract one failure and defeat after another. So too, those who react positively even in the face of frustration or adversity, tend to attract positive situations more regularly.
The next time you do a good deed and pay an unpleasant price for it, rather than cater to the rage boiling up inside, laugh at the situation. Hell, laugh at the ungrateful person. Just laugh. You’ll probably live longer. You’ll definitely live happier and you’ll realize it was worth it anyway. Because, living with yourself is far more important than living by the opinions of others and, if you do the right thing, be kind to others, you’re worth living with… regardless the occasional unexpected outcome for your generosity. Ignore the short-term results. The ultimate reward is not the immediate gratification you do or do not receive for a kind act… it’s the lifetime of positive rewards and people you’ll attract.
I’ve had a dog in my life since the day I was born. Not the same dog, mind you, or I’d be on Letterman right now instead of posting, but a steady stream of lovable pups have rotated their way into (but never out of) my heart for as long as my heart has been beating. That should make clear why researching the post that follows was terribly painful but of tremendous significance to me. All I had to see was the number 4,000,000/yr and there was no stopping me.
I’ve had the pleasure of a life full of great teachers, many of whom weren’t paid for the job; Friends, family, even strangers who weren’t intent on teaching me a thing but from whose example I learned, never the less. I have two teachers to thank for inspiring this post. One was an actual teacher. The other was the United States Army.
Yesterday marked the 5th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. Few subjects are more polarizing these days but, regardless your position, the truth remains that young American men and women are far from home in a dangerous place whether they want to be there or not. Now is a good time to set aside whatever political bias you my have and recognize the risk and sacrifice they are making by sharing a gift of kindness. I’ve included a list of choices provided by the Department of Defense that, should you just take a few minutes, might make a world of difference in an American’s life. Please take the time.
Think of being kind as a machine churning out candy. The candy is sweet and wonderful and the machine just keeps churning it out every time somebody pushes the gimme button. Your kindness candy machine has a caretaker and he smiles as one customer after the next comes up to push that button and take their candy (multiple times a day for some). But if you know anything about mechanics, you probably know that machines require maintenance, upkeep and occasional downtime. If you don’t do any maintenance and just keep smiling while people walk up and push that gimme button, day after day, week after week, sooner or later that machine is going to break down in a very unpleasant way. It’s important to note here that people will keep lining up at the kindness machine’s candy dispenser. They won’t stop just because the machine starts making some funny grinding noises. If the gimme button seems to be getting a little sticky or slow to respond, they’ll just hit it that much harder. They want their candy and they’ve become used to getting it!
I expect ethics will be a topic often touched on here so it’s probably time to introduce the term. Dictionary.com defines ethics as a system of moral principles. That begs the question, what are morals? The same source defines morals as - of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical. Missing from those definitions but mentioned in further entries is an important caveat that, to paraphrase, emphasizes the importance of placing ethics and morality in the context of cultural or personal motivation. That’s a very important point. Just because an action is ethical or morally appropriate to you or your culture doesn’t mean it would be embraced elsewhere. The cultural distinction is what I’d like to focus on in this post.
When you think of kindness, what comes to mind? Helping somebody change a tire? Donating money to a charity? Saying something encouraging to a depressed friend? Sure, all those things are kind. But what if I told you I placed a person under house arrest, denied them access to their friends and took away their most valued possessions? Would you call those acts kind or would you call them cruel? Before you answer that, let me tell a quick story.
I don’t turn on the news much. I leave it to my wife, who is always up on the latest gossip, to fill me in on anything relevant… Britney did something whacky, somebody famous died, there’s an asteroid coming in a few days to end life as we know it… you know… important stuff. The rest of the news is generally a combination of irrelevant to my life and depressing. One or the other I might not mind exposing myself to, but both? Forget it.
I average 4 hours of sleep a night. I average 1 migraine every 2 weeks. Study results are still out, but I’m beginning to suspect a correlation. I was averaging 2 migraines a week until I conceded defeat and started taking a nap after work to try to make up for that sleep deficit. If you work for a large company in the US and aspire to success, you’re likely suffering sleep deprivation as well. It’s all too common here and linked to everything from weight gain, elevated accident rates and a multitude of health problems. The advice is always the same - get more sleep. I liken it to a doctor advising you take it easy, reduce your stress and take some vacation right in the middle of a critical time-crunch at the office. Great idea, Doc. I’ll get right on that!
Ok, I’m a fairly typical guy so I haven’t watched more of Oprah’s Big Give than my wife forced me to watch (10 minute’s worth) before stumbling off in my loincloth, club hefted over my shoulder, to scratch myself and resume my quest for fire. Ogg cook meat now. But I did get the post-show highlights from my wife and browsed some articles about it and I’m a little annoyed at the cynicism rampant in the media today.
Environment and conservation are hot topics in the world of charity these days. In catering to that interest, I’d like to spotlight a wonderful organization - the 
I was once a routine contributor to a now defunct charity. The cause, in support of handicapped Americans, certainly seemed just enough. They didn’t ask for much and they made it easy to give. So I willingly parted with money I probably needed as much as those to whom I was giving (times were tight back then). It was a year or two after I started giving that I just happened to catch a news story in which this specific charitable organization was mentioned, along with several others. The story was on charity fraud. It was damning, the evidence solid and, soon after airing, the scam-artists quietly crept away never to bother me for a handout again. I felt violated.
I saw a shirt recently that proclaimed - Everything worth learning I learned from my dog. Cute though that is, my dogs lick themselves and sniff one another inappropriately so I won’t take every lesson a pooch has to teach as necessarily the best option (your mileage may vary). I will, however, agree that a great many characteristics inherent in dogs are worth emulating (loyalty, kindness, devotion, love, enthusiasm for life). There is one lesson above all the rest that stands out, though; a single character trait I’ll venture is common to every dog I’ve ever met and that is the absence of malice. I know you’re thinking of the annoying neighbor’s dog who would apparently like nothing better than to dig under the fence and chew your ankles off the next time you walk by, but hear me out.The nice thing about dogs is they don’t come with a lot of baggage. Even an adopted mutt who has led a rough life is likely, at worst, to haul a small carry-on bag full of fear. I’ve had dogs in my life since birth, have worked in veterinary medicine and, as a child, even spent time working (hanging out mostly) at a guard dog training facility in Germany as a child and what I’ve never seen in a dog is malice or hate. If there’s one thing we could stand to learn from our dogs, it’s the inability to hate. 
What can I say? I like a good juxtaposition more than normal especially when the words contrast as much as kindness and toxicity. But the real reason is that killing with kindness is going to be a driving theme on this blog so ToxicKindness isn’t as off the wall as it seems.
I gave a lot of thought to what I wanted to blog about and then followed up with a lot of research. One piece of advice kept resurfacing in my research – write something about which you’re passionate and, while I have a lot of interests, my feelings run very deep when it comes to the way we treat each other. There are just not enough people out there killing one another with kindness. Toxickindness.com will focus on fundamental “goodness”; on ethics and morality, citing real world events in politics, media, entertainment, business, sports and just about any other genre. My goal is to push this as a karmic portal to inspire myself and others to do good in their communities and to try to do the right thing whenever possible.
