Think of being kind as a machine churning out candy. The candy is sweet and wonderful and the machine just keeps churning it out every time somebody pushes the gimme button. Your kindness candy machine has a caretaker and he smiles as one customer after the next comes up to push that button and take their candy (multiple times a day for some). But if you know anything about mechanics, you probably know that machines require maintenance, upkeep and occasional downtime. If you don’t do any maintenance and just keep smiling while people walk up and push that gimme button, day after day, week after week, sooner or later that machine is going to break down in a very unpleasant way. It’s important to note here that people will keep lining up at the kindness machine’s candy dispenser. They won’t stop just because the machine starts making some funny grinding noises. If the gimme button seems to be getting a little sticky or slow to respond, they’ll just hit it that much harder. They want their candy and they’ve become used to getting it!
It isn’t any fun for anybody when your kindness machine breaks down. Suddenly, unexpectedly, the candy (which has become an expected staple in everybody’s diet) is no longer available. And your poor mechanic must now devote countless hours to fixing broken parts and greasing bound-up gears if you hope to get that candy flowing again. That’s assuming, of course, that his resentment at the greedy candy-grabbers who wouldn’t give him a moment of rest to stop the machine and fix it, isn’t so great that he decides to just walk off the job entirely.
Your capacity to be kind and altruistic is represented by the candy machine in that metaphor. The candy customers represent the many people in your life who, through experience, come to depend on your kindness and generosity (the candy). Who is the mechanic? Well, the mechanic is the guy you either choose to empower with the right to stop production to do brief maintenance on the machine or whom you allow to stand idly by with a grin on his face until the machine breaks down. His name is Boundaries and it’s time to get to know him.
The mistake kind people often make is not saying, “Enough.” On some internal level they equate such a statement with selfishness but they couldn’t be more wrong. In a perfect world, a world in which all individuals think as much about the needs of others as they do about themselves, there’d be no need for Boundaries to hold up the line and do maintenance on the kindness machine. There’d be lots of candy machines and no one machine would be too heavily taxed. Friends wouldn’t stop by unannounced because they’d consider how annoying they’d find it if you did that to them all the time. Managers wouldn’t heap one responsibility after another on the shoulders of the one person they trust to get the job done because they’d recognize that there’s only so much one person can carry. Spouses wouldn’t manipulate their husbands/wives in too many ways to count. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world full of people who might not have bad intentions but who also might not realize that you only have so much to give before you run out.
The candy grabbers (friends, boss, clients, family, spouse) may be perfectly nice people but they are internal people. They live in the ME much of the time and when they have a need you’ve consistently filled in the past, positive reinforcement inclines them to keep coming back whenever that need arises. This is why people feel that no good deed goes unpunished. They fail to limit the number of times friends go to the well or how much water they’ll take. The absence of boundaries (in the candy grabber’s eyes) over time makes you even more approachable again and again. There will come a day, however, when you don’t have much candy in the machine or when the gears are grinding a bit and that’s when you’re ripe for a breakdown.
Sooner or later you’ll find that you’ve had a really miserable week and you just don’t have it in you to listen, yet again, to your pal - who has a great job, makes more than you and only has to endure a five minute commute - complain about how his seat at work is uncomfortable and his mean boss wouldn’t let him upgrade to the $999.00 model (he tells you this on the phone while you sit on a taped-together death trap that squeals like a pig going to slaughter). Maybe your sister will call to complain about her spouse and you realize, the only time she seems to call you is when she wants to complain about her spouse and get your sympathy. In situation after situation, you’ll come to realize that some people keep reaching out and expecting something of you yet they give nothing in return. They don’t want to hang out at the movies and catch up, they want to complain. They don’t want to enjoy a good meal together, they want your help with their taxes. There’s never any real interest in your life or needs, just demands for help with money. Or with their bad relationship. Or with their medical problem, broken computer, plumbing, etc. It’s only a matter of time before the candy machine suffers catastrophic failure and explodes.
When you finally break down, it won’t be pretty and your friends will be justifiably taken off guard. Can you blame them? The candy machine never broke down before. There’s always been candy. There’s never been a shortage and no matter how many times they hit the gimme button, there was always more candy coming out. So when you suddenly throw up your hands and yell at your friend to knock before he just walks into your house or to call before he comes over or to stop borrowing your DVDs without returning them for weeks on end, the recipient of your meltdown is going to be surprised and probably a little hurt. Where did all this resentment come from? Why are you suddenly shutting everybody out or responding sarcastically to their problems or giving hostile advice such as “get over it.”
Boundaries are not selfish. Boundaries are scheduled maintenance on the candy machine and scheduling that maintenance is absolutely critical to keeping your relationships with others healthy. By setting clear boundaries BEFORE a meltdown, you are managing expectations and avoiding having to impose limits when you are angry (when they’re far less likely to be well received). Tell your friend you love hanging out but could she please call first as you aren’t always available to come out to play. Let your buddy know you don’t want to hit bar after bar every night because you need downtime after work some days and you’d appreciate his not blaming your wife because it isn’t her cracking the whip, it’s your own desire for a relaxing night at home. Tell your sister you love her and don’t mind lending her books but if she isn’t going to bring them back at an agreed time (or at all) then you’re going to start insisting on a deposit. Tell your boss that, as much as you’d like to help, you’ve got 5 running projects and he’s yet to hand one off to the slouch down the hall. Make a joke of it and ask when you can expect the additional 5 paychecks. He’ll get the hint sooner or later. Don’t be mean or demanding. Just set limits you can live with.
Being kind to everybody but you is neither healthy nor sustainable. We all need time to ourselves. We all need to feel respected as much as we ourselves respect others. We all need the opportunity to talk about our own problems in life, not just listen to those of others. There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself, particularly when doing so will enable you to continue taking care of others. If a friend can’t understand that, if he resents or disrespects the boundaries you’ve set and is always taking candy but never giving any in return, then I’ll close with one final quiz question - Is a friend who takes but never gives a friend worth keeping?
