Kindness, Boundaries and the Candy Machine

March 18, 2008

candy_web.gifThink of being kind as a machine churning out candy. The candy is sweet and wonderful and the machine just keeps churning it out every time somebody pushes the gimme button. Your kindness candy machine has a caretaker and he smiles as one customer after the next comes up to push that button and take their candy (multiple times a day for some). But if you know anything about mechanics, you probably know that machines require maintenance, upkeep and occasional downtime. If you don’t do any maintenance and just keep smiling while people walk up and push that gimme button, day after day, week after week, sooner or later that machine is going to break down in a very unpleasant way. It’s important to note here that people will keep lining up at the kindness machine’s candy dispenser. They won’t stop just because the machine starts making some funny grinding noises. If the gimme button seems to be getting a little sticky or slow to respond, they’ll just hit it that much harder. They want their candy and they’ve become used to getting it!

It isn’t any fun for anybody when your kindness machine breaks down. Suddenly, unexpectedly, the candy (which has become an expected staple in everybody’s diet) is no longer available. And your poor mechanic must now devote countless hours to fixing broken parts and greasing bound-up gears if you hope to get that candy flowing again. That’s assuming, of course, that his resentment at the greedy candy-grabbers who wouldn’t give him a moment of rest to stop the machine and fix it, isn’t so great that he decides to just walk off the job entirely.

Your capacity to be kind and altruistic is represented by the candy machine in that metaphor. The candy customers represent the many people in your life who, through experience, come to depend on your kindness and generosity (the candy). Who is the mechanic? Well, the mechanic is the guy you either choose to empower with the right to stop production to do brief maintenance on the machine or whom you allow to stand idly by with a grin on his face until the machine breaks down. His name is Boundaries and it’s time to get to know him. Continued…

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Categories: Health.

Ethics and Morality - Cultural Considerations

March 17, 2008

charge_web.gifI expect ethics will be a topic often touched on here so it’s probably time to introduce the term. Dictionary.com defines ethics as a system of moral principles. That begs the question, what are morals? The same source defines morals as - of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical. Missing from those definitions but mentioned in further entries is an important caveat that, to paraphrase, emphasizes the importance of placing ethics and morality in the context of cultural or personal motivation. That’s a very important point. Just because an action is ethical or morally appropriate to you or your culture doesn’t mean it would be embraced elsewhere. The cultural distinction is what I’d like to focus on in this post.

A good example of the importance of cultural consideration would be the clearly opposed cultural treatment of women in the West vs. their treatment in some Middle Eastern nations. To the western world, it is unconscionable to hide women away behind a burka, deny them the right to drive themselves or punish them (often severely) for infractions as minor as shaking a man’s hand or spending time alone in the presence of a man who is not family or husband. Most westerners find these practices objectionable, at the least, and often reprehensible. A devoted Muslim from one of these countries might not give the practice a second thought. For him (or her), it is the norm. For him (or her), it is perfectly moral and ethical behavior. That is the relevance that culture plays and the lesson we should take away is - don’t presume the right to foist your particular ethics on somebody else.

What is interesting, and what you should keep in mind when tackling any ethical quandary, is that one could find themselves very quickly painting themselves into a corner when debating ethics that fit into the mold as described above. For example, as a US citizen, I might find myself inclined to be critical of forcing women to wear burkas. I might stomp my feet and shout my vocal protests about how disrespectful it is and how a woman should be permitted to freely express herself and her body (in which she should feel no shame). I might then suddenly find my own culture under scrutiny when the opposition asks me why prostitution hasn’t been federally legalized in the US or why ALL beaches in the US don’t permit a woman to go topless (a very common practice in many European countries). My illusion of being on the moral high-ground can be very quickly shattered.

The point is, while you may find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with topics we’ll cover here, particularly topics dealing with ethics, remember that you are neither right nor wrong in your own moral and ethical stance. Despite how passionately we may hold to our ethics, you and I are, at all times, simply appropriately or inappropriately biased towards the commonly held ethical law and guidance of our particular race, religion, upbringing or culture.

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Categories: Values and Ethics.

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On Kindness and Cruelty

March 15, 2008

yinyang_web.gifWhen you think of kindness, what comes to mind? Helping somebody change a tire? Donating money to a charity? Saying something encouraging to a depressed friend? Sure, all those things are kind. But what if I told you I placed a person under house arrest, denied them access to their friends and took away their most valued possessions? Would you call those acts kind or would you call them cruel? Before you answer that, let me tell a quick story.

My father once told me the story of three blind wise men who were presented a challenge. By touch alone, they were to identify something. The first man reached out and confidently exclaimed, “It’s a tree, of course.” The second reached out and said, “Nonsense. This is clearly a donkey.” The third reached out, snatched his hand back and shouted, “It’s a SNAKE!” How could they all have such wildly different ideas? What the three blind men had touched in turn was the leg, tail and trunk of an elephant. The moral of the story is to avoid judging something without knowing the whole story.

So, let me provide the rest of the picture… the person in question is my daughter who has been doing terribly lately in school and in whose room I’ve discovered drugs. She has been associating with some very bad influences with juvenile criminal records. I’ve taken away her cell phone, room phone and any other distractions from homework, enforced a serious grounding and have advised her she is no longer to associate with the people who have been supplying her with drugs.

Don’t panic, the scenario above is purely fabricated, but do you still feel my actions would be unkind now that you have the whole story? I’m sure the girl in this story would feel the actions were unjust but kindness isn’t always about instilling a warm fuzzy sensation. Kindness, sometimes, means doing something tough because you love somebody.

Never forget that you have an obligation to raise your children right. Your decisions may sometimes be unpopular. Your actions may be resented. But sacrificing your popularity with your child in an effort to ensure their safety and moral upbringing is the ultimate in kindness. At a young age, my wife complained to her mother, “Why can’t you just be my friend.” Her mother’s wise answer was, “Because I’m your mother.” I can’t think of a greater kindness than to deny yourself the easy road and live up to your obligation as a parent. And I can’t thank my mother in law enough for her influence in molding the wonderful woman I’ve married.

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